Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Infertility

I just found this on one of my old online stomping grounds. This is an old one, but I thought I'd share it with y'all in case you ever meet a real-live infertile person (*gasp!*) and want to know what we have (or have had) to hear from well-meaning friends and family. (And to any of you out there reading our blog who still occassionally feel the old sting of not being able to get pregnant, I send you giant hugs.)


Paraplegic instead of Infertile...

So, what do you think people would say to you if you were paraplegic instead of infertile???

As soon as you buy a wheelchair, I bet you'll be able to walk again!

You can't use your legs? Boy, I wish I was paralyzed. I get so tired of walking, and if I were paralyzed I wouldn't have to walk anywhere!

My cousin was paralyzed but she started shaving her legs in the other direction and she could walk again. You should try that.

I guess God just didn't mean for you to be able to walk.

Oh, I know exactly how you feel, because I have an ingrown toenail.

Sorry, we don't cover treatment for paraplegia, because it's not a life-threatening illness.

So... when are *you* going to start walking?

Oh, I have just the opposite problem. I have to walk walk walk - everywhere I go!

But don't you *want* to walk?

You're just trying too hard. Relax and you'll be able to walk.

You're so lucky... think of the money you save on shoes.

I don't know why you're being so selfish. You should at least be happy that *I* can walk.

I hope you don't try those anti-paralyzation drugs. They sometimes make people run too fast and they get hurt.

Look at those people hiking... doesn't that make you want to hike?

Just relax, you'll be walking in no time.

Oh do my legs hurt, I was walking and walking and going up and down the stairs all day.

I broke my leg skiing, and was on crutches for weeks, and was worried I'd have a permanent limp, but I'm 100% healed.

I'd ask you to be in my wedding party but the wheelchair will look out of place at the altar.

You're being selfish, not coming on the hike with us, and looking at all of my track & field trophies.

Don't complain, you get all the good parking places.

If you just lose weight your legs will work again.

If you would just have more sex, you could walk!

You don't know how to walk? What's wrong with you? Here let a real man show you how to walk!

You are just trying too hard to walk. Give up, and then you'll walk.

Here, touch my legs, then you'll walk!

Just take a vacation, and the stress-break will be sure to get you walking!

When *we* were young we only had to worry about having to walk too much.

And I bet a paraplegic going to a bookstore doesn't find books about paralysis stacked next to all the books on running...

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

Dear Shelly,
Those statements really strike a nerve. People can be so unthoughtful toward people suffering with infertility. I found out almost a year ago that I would (in the doctor's opinion) never be able to carry a child. I learned not to share this information with people I thought cared about me because they would say things like "You don't realize how lucky you are" or "Children aren't as great as you think" It is the people that get pregnant (or stay pregnant) the easiest that take it for granted. I am so glad that you have your babies now! I have cried so many times reading your site being able to feel your absolute joy! At least if I can't have my own yet...I feel, in a strange way, that I can share this happieness with someone!
Thank you!!
Melissa

Anonymous said...

Melissa, I'm sorry for your loss. You might not have miscarried, but infertility is a loss - and a very profound one. People who haven't "been there" don't quite get why one should feel the need to grieve when "nobody died." *sigh* People don't understand that it doesn't matter if nobody died - you're grieving over who should have been born! My arms are very full now, but every once in a while when I hear a new mom complain about their demanding newborn, well, it still stings a bit. Especially looking at Adam - I sure wish I'd had that "demanding newborn" time with him! He doesn't even FIT on my lap anymore! (Though I still make him, poor kid!)

That said, I'm so happy with the way things have turned out for us. What if even one of my miscarried babies had made it? I sure wouldn't have come back from Ukraine with THREE kids! And then where would Misha, Valya and Zina be? Drinking chai and eating mush, and wondering if their mama and papa were ever going to come for them.

It's too bad things are so much clearer in hindsight instead of foresight. The years sitting in "Infertility Land" were hard, hard, hard.

Hang in there, Melissa. Are you planning to adopt one day, or does that "a" word still get caught in your throat? Got caught in mine for years before I could bring myself to say "adopt" without bursting into tears... If that's the case with you, please know I do understand that too, even with my three rambunctious kiddos screaming at me over my shoulder to come and tickle them. Those old feelings were felt too acutely to ever forget them completly...

(((hugs)))

Shelly

Anonymous said...

Thank you for writing this. I had a miscarriage 2 months ago and am currently going through my second miscarriage. I am told that I likely will never be able to carry a child to term.
At the same time, I have always been interested in adoption. If I cannot have a child who is biologically related to me, I can still have a child. I may always feel some pain about my losses (hopefully not as much as I feel now), but I know that I can (and will) be a mom and that my life will be full of love and happy children.
Jeanne

Anonymous said...

Thank you for writing this. I had a miscarriage 2 months ago and am currently going through my second miscarriage. I am told that I likely will never be able to carry a child to term.
At the same time, I have always been interested in adoption. If I cannot have a child who is biologically related to me, I can still have a child. I may always feel some pain about my losses (hopefully not as much as I feel now), but I know that I can (and will) be a mom and that my life will be full of love and happy children.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing this piece with us. If I were a paraplegic instead of infertile I would hear, "You are getting too old to try to walk. Stop thinking about walking and enjoy what you have." I really hate the comments, so I mostly keep my infertility issues to myself. It's nice to know there are others who understand the loneliness and heartache. Thanks again for sharing your family with us. I keep hoping and praying for my Russian child... Jo from the ttc adoption board

Anonymous said...

Jeanne, Melissa, Jo and others,

You ladies might not have kids right now, but YOU ARE MOTHERS. Your mothers' hearts are what draws you to places like "John and Shelly's website" to see what the Fisher kids are up to today. Your motherhood keeps you fighting for a positive hpt or for your finished dossier to adopt! Real mothers never ever give up the search (or fight!) for their children. They're coming! We just don't know when yet!

Jeanne, I'm so very sorry about your lost babies. Can't say another word to help you feel any better, but I do want to extend my sympathies and wish you well. I'd love it if you would email me privately. I don't have any magic words to make your loss any less profound, but sometimes it helps to know that someone out there knows what you're feeling... (same goes for the rest of y'all!)

Shelly

Anonymous said...

Popping in to check up on y'all and this one struck a nerve. With one bio, one adopted, and four who died unborn, I often think, gee, I'd really like a couple more children. Society tells me I am lucky for my bio son, doubly blessed by my adopted Ukrainian daughter, and that I shouldn't talk about my four miscarried baby boys (taboo topic). But I sometimes still feel sad, unsatisfied and incomplete--and it is not that I'm not grateful and joyful over what I have. A couple months ago I found this verse:

There are three things that are never satisfied, four that never say "Enough!": the grave, the barren womb, land, which is never satisfied with water, and fire, which never says, "Enough!" Poverbs 30:15-16

Why couldn't I have found this 5 years ago?? All this time I felt like no one understood. Well--Surprise! God understood! And what's more--he's understood for 1000s of years!! Wow! It doesn't answer the why, doesn't really take away the desire, or the potential for more pain. But it sure helps me undertand me!!

And as far as those insenstive comments that people make--how dare they??

KAMMI--who is feeling a little fiesty today

Anonymous said...

Dear Shelly,
Thank you for posting this. I know people mean well but boy they have no idea how their statements can be so hurtful... I feel like I will scream bc as soon as I tell someone we're pursuing adoption I just start counting in my mind how many seconds will pass before I'll hear something to the effect that NOW we'll get pg. UUGGGGGHHHH! Anyhow this was perfect timing for me to read your post today bc we are still ttc (naturally not with meds any more which means not that often bc I only ovulate about 3-4 times a year) and today my temp dropped at 13dpo so I know AF will show tomorrow. And we are just in the "waiting" stage as far as adoption (waiting for a birthmother to pick us). I love reading your blog and I am really hoping that we adopt children #2&3 from Ukraine in about 2-3 years from now.
Thanks for taking the time to post and be a blessing to so many. I really loved all your photos recently from Easter and such.
God Bless!
Ruth (from MK's adoption db)

Carol working mom of 3 said...

Dear Shelly,

Thank you for posting that...I had seen it a long time ago and now that our adoption is completed, it STILL irritates me to see (and hear) those comments!

I particularly agree with Kammi who stated that society tries to dictate how we *should* feel about our infertility, yet that Proverbs verse...wow...chills. My arms are full now with one bio and two adopted children, but those bitter tears still come now and then when I hear these comments.

Now that we've adopted, people keep telling us that we'll get pregnant. I think to myself, every time I hear this, that I would LOVE it if that happened. People who've never cried themselves to sleep hoping for a child will not understand. But for those who read this site...maybe today they got a little glimpse.

Take care,

Carol

Anonymous said...

Dear Shelly,

Words can not express how thankful I am for you talking about this. For sharing not only your experience with adoption but the pain of loss and infertility. I find myself thinking about what you said in that how we are all mothers because it's our mother's hearts that drive us to bring a child or children into our lives to love. Kammi- thank you for sharing those powerful words. It's so reassuring to know that God does understand our pain. As usual I've come away from reading these comments feeling empowered and very, very hopeful.

My prayers are with all of you!!
xxoo Lisa S.