Saw this post http://aspecialfamily.blogspot.com/ on a friend's blog, and thought it was an excellent one regarding "Disruption." Not a popular topic among pre-adoptive parents. "We'd never disrupt our adoption..." but nevertheless, It Happens. I personally know of a handful of families who actually HAVE disrupted their adoptions, and it is not a pretty sight.
Since Ukie adoptions are usually for "older kids" and truthfully, most of those "older kids" have endured some degree of abuse - if not at the hands of their birth family, then perhaps at the orphanage where other children or "care-givers" have been abusive, I think this topic is way under-discussed in Ukrainian adoption circles, and potential problems of adopting older kids unaddressed in pre-adoption support groups. I know in my own adoption group the potential problems for artificial twinning are practically scoffed at. -It has worked beautifully for many families and those families are rather vocal about how dumb it is to be worried about. Well, uh, I do know of at least One family that adopted out of birth order, and that son was horribly abusive to their younger child. They disrupted that adoption for safety reasons.
I myself have a hard time talking about this because well, adopting our three at once who were all "older kids" - and who even have abuse in their backgrounds - has worked out just fine for us. I consider myself an advocate for adopting older kiddos, but I hate that this topic doesn't get more attention because, well, it happens...
Quieting down the cobwebs...
About Me
- Shelly
- Mom to three fabulous heart-grown kiddos; Adam, Liana and Aleksandra (Aleksa or Leks for short), adopted 8/04 from Odessa, Ukraine, and home-grown blessings Abrielle born 11/07, Brynn born 1/10, and newest surprise due 8/11... Email address (in code so spammers don't fill my mailbox) = "Shelly (funny symbol here) JohnAndShelly (dot) net"
1 comment:
Shelly, you are amazing. I look at your family and see nothing but wonderful happyness. But I know that you and John were very strong, child centered and focused. Not a lot of people would of even set out to do what you did. You are also a realist and had faith which helped.
Since I wrote that post, I have had email after email about the number of disruptions people have had. A lot of that (in my humble opinion) is people unprepared. One family told me about a little girl in their China travel group, they came home and about a year later found out she had severe hearing loss. They disrupted! The child didn't fit in with what they wanted...very sad. But then there are people who go in eyes wide open (like yourselves) and you get through it. I hope that I am one of those, like yourself. Eyes wide open, reading everything I can, talking and having faith. But even at this stage, I think too many people get in way over their head.
My social worker said the BIGGEST risk is people who virtual twin. I know several who have, and even though they didn't disrupt, they admit they wanted to...
Getting realistic expectations is vital. I hope (and plan) to adopt older children, I fostered older children and I Know in the depths of my heart, that most adoptive parents can't do it. I know of two families who were told no to older children from Ukraine from a social worker as she didn't feel they were prepared etc and do you know what they did? Got another social worker, roll on two years, both have disrupted. (this is in the US)
I pray for the older orphans waiting each and every day, sometimes 10 times a day. But I also pray that the right families come forward that hae support, realistic expectations and faith to get them through. I also pray they find mentors like you!
OK, I am away for 2 days but I must email you as I have some very very exciting news!
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